


As Invisible As You Make Me Feel

by captainvaughnstump



Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Paramore
Genre: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Drug Use, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-03-06 14:14:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13413000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainvaughnstump/pseuds/captainvaughnstump
Summary: Pete and Mikey have been together for a long time. But it takes several years for Pete to realize, maybe he needs to get out. What happens when Pete falls for someone else while him and Mikey are still together? Will he make it out okay?BIG CW:All throughout the story there will be mentions of domestic abuse. A character will be really emotionally manipulative and abuse another character. Later on in the story there will be drug use and a suicide attempt. Please do not read if any of this could trigger a panic attack or a flashback. Please.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GlucoseGuardiann](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlucoseGuardiann/gifts).



> For my best friend, for inspiring me to be the absolute best I can be every day.

Being with him was an absolute whirlwind. 

At least that was what I told myself. That’s what I promised myself every night. _You’re lucky to be with someone like this. Stop being selfish._ An endless conversation I had with myself, trying to downplay what I lived through each day. Every morning I would wake up and down my coffee in the way I did everything else. A rush. I hurried to have his breakfast waiting on the table for him when he woke up or I knew I’d pay for it. 

I honestly have no idea why he hasn’t broken up with me yet. 

After his breakfast was sitting on the table, I scuttled to the shower where I washed off all traces of the makeup I’d worn to my concert the night before. He hated my eyeliner. _How do you expect me to love you when you look like a girl?_ He would ask me often. I took my time in washing over my tattoos, the beautiful designs that had taken years for me to accumulate. I knew they would have to be covered up by the time he woke up. I was made to wear a shirt to cover my tattoos, since he didn't like them. He said they ruined my body. 

My hair was the next thing on my list. The red streaks I had in were going to be covered later today. He decided it was time for a change and he was tired of seeing the red streaks in my hair. He also didn’t like my bangs, but allowed me to keep those as long as I agreed to change the color. He set up an appointment for me with a salon down the street, since I wasn’t allowed to have a phone. Ever since we moved in together three years ago, I lost a lot of my privileges.

In addition to not having a phone, I wasn’t allowed to watch the news and he had to know who I was with on the nights I was allowed to stay out without him. I was only allowed to be out until seven at night though. If I stayed out later than I was allowed to be, the next day he would hit me until I bled and make me clean up the mess I’d made. He’d then apologize and we would spend the day cuddling. But there was no love or cheer in his cuddles. There was only anger. He would sharply jab an elbow into my side here and there, or turn away when I tried to kiss him. We hadn’t kissed in over a year. But I didn’t want to have to deal with the beatings, which had gotten worse over the years so I did my best to always be home on time. 

After I finished in the shower, I went to my room to get dressed in the outfit Mikey had picked out for me the night before. I was surprised to see a short sleeved shirt. I was rarely allowed to wear those and it really threw me that I would be wearing one in public. But it was against the rules to dispute the outfit Mikey picked out. The only time I was allowed to pick my own clothes is when I was putting on a concert. And there were only a few I was permitted to choose from. 

But for some reason, even though all this mess, even through him trying to control every aspect of my life, I still loved him. But I put myself in denial. 

The truth was, being with him was a nightmare. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three up s

I could hear the noise Mikey made from upstairs getting out of bed as I put my pants on. I still needed to dry my hair, so hopefully he would take his time in the bathroom. 

The stairs creaked as his feet pushed down and I knew I would have no such luck. I took the towel and ruffled it through my hair, getting it as dry as I possibly could. 

No one should ever have to dread seeing their husband every morning.But the thing is… I felt trapped in my marriage. My wedding band was a chain. Something that meant till death do us part turned into I wish he would file for divorce. But I knew I wasn’t that lucky. Death would do us part, I just worried that he would be the reason mine came. His repertoire of threats, stares, and denigratory gestures kept me on edge. 

I never knew what to expect with each day that passed. His mood was usually negative. I tried not to anger him any more than he already was. I had to gauge how the day would go from the breakfast conversation. He sat at his usual seat at the table and took a bite of the scrambled eggs I’d prepared. 

“Tastes good, sweetheart.” He mumbled, half asleep. 

“Thank you. May I fix my plate now?”  


“Yes you may. Thank you for asking. Try to hurry. I’d like to sit and enjoy my meal with my husband.” He pulled me forward and kissed my forehead. I gasped, not used to the affection and he smiled at me. 

“What’s the matter baby? Fix you something to eat please, I don’t want you to starve.”

He was being unusually nice which scared me to no end. He hadn’t kissed my forehead since our wedding anniversary two years ago. Last year I spent our anniversary in the hospital after he kicked me and broke my ribs. I’d actually had several hospital trips. I had to pretend to be drunk, or like I’d gotten mugged. I’d honestly become a regular at the hospital down the street from my house. 

I sat down with my plate and did my best to smile, digging in. 

“So baby, I was thinking, maybe before we get your hair done we can go out for a little bit? How’s that sound? Maybe go to a record store. Buy you a new book? Hmm?”

“Sounds amazing baby. Thank you. It’s really up to you what we do. Thank you for leaving out a shirt that shows my tattoos.”

“You’re welcome. They are a part of you and I love them so much.” 

“Well where are we gonna go?”

“There’s this new place right down the street from the hair salon I’ve wanted to go in for a while. It’s called Borders. We can go in, look around. Maybe if you’re good for me I’ll buy you something. Hayley doesn’t cut your hair until 11 and we are meeting Gerard at 3. That will give us plenty of time to just hang out in town. Maybe we can go out to eat after? I haven’t taken you in town forever.”

“That sounds lovely.”

“Okay baby, I have to go get dressed and ready. I love you.”

I choked on the piece of bacon in my mouth, unable to breathe. He’d only ever told me he loved me once before, and that was the night he proposed to me.

“Are you okay, Petey?” 

I swallowed around the bacon and the lump in my throat. 

“Yes babe. Go get dressed. I love you.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is probably garbage I was too distracted listening to Mania to properly type. I'm extremely shook. Kinda long so i split it up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theres this story i read a few years ago where either Pete or Patrick was kidnapped and drugged and made to love the other one and i can't find it anywhere because i don't know the name of it but i love it so much someone help.

I was extremely concerned by the way Mikey was acting. It could mean that I was really in for some pain soon, or he was finally acting right and taking care of me. Hoping it was the latter, I cleared the table and started the water to wash the dishes from our meal. The leftover food went to my dog, Hemmingway. Thankfully Mikey allowed me to keep him when we got together. 

Hemmingway barked appreciatively before digging into the food. Bits of egg and bacon surrounded the plate as he dug in. I truly loved that dog. I don’t know if I could have made it as far as I did without Hem. 

I washed the dishes while watching Hemmingway, chuckling softly. He had made a huge mess that I knew I’d have to clean up, but I still found it silly how much excitement he ate with. As I picked up a knife to wash it, I accidentally sliced my thumb open and cursed loudly. Mikey rushed down the stairs, concern filling his eyes. 

“Are you okay darling? I heard you yell.”

“Yeah, I just cut my thumb.”

“Lemme see.” He said, grabbing my thumb. He inspected the cut before turning on the cold water and running over it, washing away the blood. “Stay right there Petey. I’ll be right back.” 

Mikey ran to the bathroom under the stairs, opening the medicine cabinet and searching around before coming back into the kitchen with ointment and a band aid in his hand. “Let’s get you fixed up.” He said, rubbing the Neosporin on my finger and wrapping it in a band aid. It looked a little childish, my thumb wrapped up in a Star Wars bandage but I still thought it was cute. Mikey voiced the same before kissing the bandage.

“Sit down babe, I’ll finish the dishes. After that I’ll go get your shoes and help you get them on so you don’t hurt it even more. You know you bleed a lot.”

I sat and watched Mikey wash the dishes, slightly concerned. It didn’t take him long to wash the two plates and frying pan left in the sink. I stood up to help him finish when he gave me a heartbroken look before asking me to sit down again. This time I sat and waited for him to come back from the mud room where we kept our shoes. 

“I got your vans for you. I know they’re your favorite. They’re a little scuffed though. Arma put on a wild show?” 

“Yes they did. I’m sorry I should have cleaned them.”

“No it’s fine honey your shoes don’t have to be perfect. I was just wondering. Maybe I can come to your next show. I’ve actually never seen your band perform.”

_He’d never wanted to see them perform either._ “Sure.. Uh..We aren’t doing one until next month though sweetie.”

“That’s fine. I’ll go see it when they do.”

Mikey pulled my feet out and slid my shoes on, even tying them for me. I kind of felt embarrassed, as if he was trying to belittle me. He’d done it before on several occasions so there was no reason I couldn’t believe that he would do it again. I kept silent though. He was in a really good mood and I didn’t want to turn it around. 

“Alright babe. Off to Borders?”

“Sure.” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Backstory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the purpose of this story, Gerard and Lindsey have split up.
> 
> Should I write another chapter today or no?

I piled into Mikey’s car, careful to not hit my head on the door frame. I was doing anything and everything to not make him mad. It was rare that he was in an actual good mood and this one seemed to be genuine. I didn’t want to ruin it for him. 

He got in shortly after I did, cranking the car and stealing a quick kiss from me. _He’s up to something._ I told myself. I knew he was. He was never that nice. 

“Hey, babe. I gotta make a short pit stop before we go to the bookstore. It’s on the way I promise. You can just stay in the car.” 

“Alright.” 

He drove for about twenty minutes before parking in front of an apartment complex and getting out. 

“You can leave it running. I’ll only be a minute. I love you Pete.”

“I love you too Mikey. Hurry back.”

He took off towards the apartments in a steady jog, going into one of them and shutting the door behind him. I found it strange that he had a key but I didn’t question it. I sat and left the car running like he said, waiting patiently for his return. 

Five minutes passed and he still wasn’t back. I shut off the car to save gas. 

Ten minutes passed and I grew anxious. What if something bad had happened to him in the apartment?

Fifteen minutes passed. The anxiety was swallowing me. I didn’t know what to do. 

Twenty minutes. I unbuckled. 

Twenty- five. I unlocked my door.

After thirty minutes had passed, I got out of the car and walked up to the apartment. The door was ajar and I could hear soft crying. I opened the door and peaked in. The apartment was nasty, trash lying everywhere. There was a crib in the corner with a small baby who fell asleep as soon as I opened the door. There was no sign of Mikey. 

I went further into the apartment to investigate, wondering where my husband had went. As I walked down the hall I realized there was only one bedroom. Maybe he was in there?

I looked into the room, which had no door. Mikey was standing with his back to the door, a pair of slender, pale arms wrapped around his back. The bright red painted nails dug into his dress shirt, digging against the material. They were kissing passionately. I could see her blonde ponytail swinging with the twists of their faces smashing together. 

Tears pricked my ears and I rushed out of the apartment into the car. I cranked it up and drove to the place of the only person I knew I could trust. 

I was sobbing full force by the time I got to his house, ten minutes away. I knocked on the door, unable to speak. It opened and a warm smiling face greeted me. He realized I was crying and pulled me into a hug, asking what was wrong. 

“Your brother cheated on me…. He.. He has a kid. He was going to take me to a bookstore today and then he said we were going to make a stop somewhere and it’d only take a minute. We stopped at these apartments and he was in there for thirty minutes. The door was open so I went to investigate and found him making out with some girl. Neither of them noticed I was there. I got in the car and left.”

“Oh Pete baby I’m so sorry. What happened to your neck?” Gerard asked.

“Uhm… nothing.”

“Please tell me hun. Did you get hurt?”

“Something like that..”

“Please….. Pete please tell me he didn’t do this to you?”

The silence I responded with gave him every bit of an answer he needed. He pulled me into a tighter hug, crying now. 

“I’m so sorry. He was taught better than that. I’m so sorry.”

After both of us had stopped crying, Gerard led me to his room. The bed was the same I remembered from when we lived together. 

That was how I met Mikey. I was living with Gerard after my parents kicked me out. We had lived together for two years before I ever met Mikey. He came in crying one night. His wife was filing for divorce. He cried so hard that Gerard didn’t know what to do. The Lindsey called and said she needed his help with Bandit. He asked if I would be okay to hang out with a no longer sobbing Mikey for a few hours while he helped with his daughter. I obliged and Gee left. 

Mikey asked if we could cuddle and I accepted. I liked to cuddle anyway, so it didn’t bother me. Plus he was really hot and sad and I couldn’t refuse. We sat on the couch watching movies with him cuddled against me. His lips softly brushed my neck, surprising me. He smiled when I gasped and kissed my neck purposefully. I gasped again and he kissed my mouth, moving to sit on my lap. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. 

I always thought it was just a depressed rebound. He made me promise to not tell Gerard. 

But a few weeks later he came over and the same thing happened again. It got to a point where every weekend we were sleeping together. After three months, I asked him if we could go on a date the next day. He happily accepted and so we went out to eat at the local pizza place. The weekends turned into dates and sex and a year later he proposed to me. We got married a year and a day from then, a beautiful church ceremony that Gerard officiated. Everyone was so happy and commented on how happy we looked together. The first year of our marriage was absolutely wonderful. There was very little fighting and we were actually happy. But shortly after that he started to hit me. And it’d gone downhill from there. 

Gerard waved his hand in front of my face, rising me from the nostalgic wave that had hit me. 

“You can crash here for a bit. We’re gonna go to Mikey’s later and get your stuff. Did you have any plans for today?”

“I was gonna get my hair dyed black for Mikey. And then I was gonna go to a bookstore and we were gonna come see you. That’s about it”

“Alright hun. Wash up and then we are gonna go to your house. I’m gonna need you to drive so we can get all of your stuff in one go. Can you do that Pete?”

“Hopefully he isn’t there. I can do it.”

“Good. We will fill both cars, drive back here and then he can come get his car. But he will not have any contact with you after we get your stuff out. I can guarantee that. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to be really short because the next one is going to be long. Pete explodes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FOUND THE STORY I WAS LOOKING FOR it's called He Is My Keeper by tay_tay19 and it's so good i love it so much.

I took Mikey’s car and Gerard took his as we drove the all too familiar route back to mine and Mikey’s home. I turned on the radio, needing to hear something to fill the silence that was in the vehicle. I hummed along to the song before realizing it was one Mikey played for me on one of our dates and cursed, changing the station. I had to change the station three times before I found a song that didn’t traumatize me to hear. Matt Nathanson came to my rescue, belting out “Come On Get Higher.”

_Come on get higher, loosen my lips. Faith and desire at the swing of your hips._ I sang along to one of my favorites. I couldn’t count the times I’d gotten lost in this song, using it as an escape. J _ust pull me down hard and drown me in love._

Gerard was driving close behind me, not sure what to expect when we got to the house. I didn’t know if Mikey would be there because I had no way of contacting him. And Gerard was too angry to talk to him. So we stayed in the dark. 

I pulled into the driveway to find him sitting on the porch, one leg draped over the other. As I got out of the car he called out for me. 

“I knew you’d come home. Where were you baby? I missed you!”

Gerard pulled in and got out, standing close behind me should Mikey try anything. 

“I didn’t come back. And I know about your woman. Your kid. I know about all of it. When you were in there for thirty minutes and still hadn't come out, I went to knock on the door which I discovered was unlocked. So I went inside. I was worried about you. And I see a baby who looks exactly like you. I venture further in because I still hadn’t found you and I found you sucking face with some blonde. I got in the car and went straight to your brothers where I told him how you hit me and stuff. So we are here to get my belongings. We are going to put them in your car and in Gee’s car. And we are taking them to his house. You can come get your car later when we unload everything. I’m taking whatever I paid for, or had when we got together. Including my dog. After that I’m gone forever. I’m done dealing with you. I’m sick of it. You haven’t told me that you love me in two years. And when you finally do when you kiss me I find out you're cheating on me. I’m not allowed to wear makeup because I might look like a woman but you’re cheating on me with a woman? That doesn’t make any sense. You’re a stupid hypocrite and I hate you. I hope I never see your stupid face ever again Michael Way.” 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised a Peterick meetup in chapter five but things went differently than I thought they would. I promise it's coming soon.

“So that’s it? You think you can just walk away from me? You can walk away from three years of marriage? I don't think so Peter. You’re not leaving. I won’t let you.”

Gerard stepped in, anger on his face. “There is no letting him. He’s leaving. I won’t let him stay with you if you’re going to abuse him. I remember the first time you two went out on a date. I was wondering when you were going to quit going behind my back and sleeping together and actually go on a date. And when he came home from that date, he was head over heels. He’d liked you for a really long time but when you went on a date I could tell he was in love with you. Then you two got married and I’ve never seen a more beautiful wedding. But according to what Pete told me and what I’ve seen and just now realized, you’ve been beating him for two years. That wedding bands doesn't mean anything to you because you’ve been cheating on him and you have a kid. You don’t care one bit about him you just want to have someone to control. Shut up and move.” He pushed Mikey out of the way and walked into the house.

It was hard to be in the house knowing it would be my last time there. I’d lived there for three years but that was all about to change thanks to Gerard. I’d go back to living with him for a while. Get a job. Pitch in on the rent. Just like it was before I even knew Mikey. And soon I wouldn’t know him. Well… I hadn’t known him for years. He became a whole different person. I didn’t know the person he was. We didn’t even share the same room. It was just emptiness. 

It didn’t take very long to pack my stuff because I really didn’t own very much. I had twenty outfits, the exact number Mikey wanted me to have. Two coats, three pairs of shoes. I didn’t feel it necessary to take my soap. I grabbed my toothbrush, my deodorant and my cologne out of the bathroom. Hemmingway’s stuff. The love letters Mikey wrote me while we were together went into the trash. I got my lyric book and a few other things before going outside to meet Gerard. 

Him and Mikey had been passionately arguing. Mikey was in tears as I carried the armfuls of my belongings out to the car. The suit I’d gotten married in stayed in the upstairs closet along with a few other things. 

“There’s not even enough to fill up your car. Mikey bought all the furniture. And the tv. Everything of mine that I want to keep is in your car now.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, get Hemmy in the car then we can go.”

“Wait!” Mikey yelled. He grabbed my arm, crying. “Please don't leave. I’m sorry…”

“No you’re not. Gee was right. You just want someone to control. I’m gone.” 

I whistled for the dog and made sure he climbed in the car before getting in myself. Mikey and Gerard exchanged a few more words before Gee got in the car and we sped off. 


	7. Chapter 7

I got back to Gee’s and put everything I had in the closet where all my belongings had hung just three years before. It felt like coming home. I was home. Gerard was my best friend. 

My bedroom was the exact same way I’d left it. The posters still hung on the walls. The black, slightly tattered curtains still hung in the same places. I figured it was time for a change but I didn’t know when it would come. Emo was over and so was I. 

Because honestly, even though every part of me in that moment hated him, I didn’t know how to function without Mikey. I couldn’t even leave my wedding band in our house. It lay on my finger in the exact spot it had since we said our vows. And for the foreseeable future, it wasn’t moving. I couldn’t stand it not being there. It would feel like my finger was missing a part of it. I’d worn the ring so long and even though there was no meaning behind it I still felt like it was a part of me. I honestly dreaded that I was going to have to file for divorce at some point. 

It took about three days for the sadness to fully hit. I was fine until then. But after the third night of not seeing him… I crumbled. I fell to my knees in the middle of brushing my teeth and started sobbing. Tears and toothpaste covered the bottom of my face. At some point I had a panic attack so hard I blacked out. Gerard found me on the bathroom floor, a knot on my head from where it hit the tile. I didn’t bust anything open luckily. 

I wasn’t able to shower, eat. I couldn't physically bring myself to leave my bed. _This is what heartbreak feels like._ I also couldn't bring myself to understand why I missed a man who had hurt me so much. How someone could belittle me to no end, beat me, bruise me. Treat me like absolute garbage. How could I still love someone like that? How could I crave his touch, miss his kiss? It confused me. So I spent the next while, not moving from the twin size mattress I sat in the floor of my old room. My bed frame broke in the middle of a tantrum I’d had four years before and I never got a new one. 

Gerard burst into my room one day, pulling the curtains back and letting the sun into the room. I yelled, scrambling to the floor.

“What the hell, Gee….”

“You haven’t seen the sun in two weeks Peter. You’re getting up. You’re getting out. We ARE going to do something today. I’m sick of your mopey butt sitting in this room day in, day out. You’re gonna liven up.”

“Fine.”

He rummaged through the closet, pulling out some clothes and throwing them at me. 

“Get dressed.”

I looked at him, but not quite at him. I felt my panic attack coming before it hit but I couldn’t vocalize that it was coming. I started hyperventilating within seconds. He realized what had happened and that I was in a very fragile state still so he sat on the bed and pulled me into his arms. 

“Hey.. Hey it’ll be okay. I promise. Nothing is going to hurt you. He can’t get to you. I’m sorry I should have let you pick out something I’m so sorry. I just wanted to see you happy.”

I smiled and hugged against him, the panic starting to fade. 

“I know Gerard. You always mean well. I’m sorry for being so mopey. Hey, give me a minute to get dressed. Then can we go to Borders? I never got to.”

“Sounds good. Get dressed Peteyyyy.”

“Shut up and go away you dork.” I exclaimed, throwing a shirt at him and sticking my tongue out. 

I pulled on a black tee and jeans along with my purple striped hoodie. I didn’t have too look too fancy. I also put on some eyeliner before meeting Gerard. He was dressed similarly, with a red jacket that matched his hair and no makeup. 

“Let’s roll dude.”

“Alright, let’s do it.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PETERICK FINALLY MEETS

Borders was pretty crowded to be as small as it was. I looked around at the books in there before settling on some obscure book that looked like it’d be good. Gerard picked up a few comics and we headed to the checkout. 

The woman at the counter was kind of scary looking, tattoos all over and a threatening look on her face. She rang up the person in front of us before loudly announcing it was time for her to go on break. 

“Ring up these two emos, Patrick. Hurry up!” She yelled, hitting another employee on the back of the head with a magazine. “We don’t pay you to be cute do your job!” 

A very fluster blonde came up to the register, smiling at us. 

“How are you guys today?” He asked locking eyes with me. “Wow. Uh..You’re hot.”

I chuckled at him before he gasped. 

“OH MY GOD I’m so awkward I’m sorry.. And you’re married too.. Must be a lucky woman.” 

“Man.”

“I’m sorry?” 

“I’m married to a man.”

“Oh okay. Him?” He asked, pointing at Gerard.

“His brother. We separated three weeks ago. I lived with Gerard before me and Mikey met so I live with him since we split up.”

“I honestly didn’t peg you as being gay. You just…. Radiate straightness.”

“I’m bisexual but my husband didn’t want me to act feminine so I had to act really manly. I haven’t dropped the habit.”

“That’s awful I’m sorry. I’ve never been married though so I really don’t know much about it.”

“It’s not all it’s cracked up to be honestly.”

Gerard cleared his throat, gesturing to our stuff. “After you ring us up, maybe you two could set up a time to talk about it more. We have somewhere to be soon. But I’d hate to ruin your conversation.” 

“Sure, that sounds good.” Patrick chirped. 

“How’s…. Five tomorrow?”

“Sounds good. Your stuff is on the house. Thank you for being awesome.” 

After we were out of earshot from the counter, I leaned to Gerard. 

“What do we have to do?”

“We are getting you a phone. You need to get that guy’s number.”

“Dude, I just met him.”

“You are head over heels Pete. Don’t even give me that nonsense. We are getting you a phone. We are coming back here. You are getting his number.”

“Geez… Yes sir.”

“That’s what I like to hear babycakes.”

Two hours later, I had a fully activated cell phone. I re-entered Borders with a smile on my face and a mission in mind. 

“Hey, sweetheart.” He called out from behind the counter.

“Hello. I realized that I didn’t get your name or your number. Could I get those?”

“Of course! I’m sorry I never thought to mention either of them. I'm Patrick.”

“Patrick.” I smiled, shaking his hand. “Pleased to meet you. I’m Pete.” 

“Hi there Pete. Did I tell you you’re stunning?”

“You sure did. Your number please?”

“Oh. Right. That.”

He pulled his phone from his pocket and pulled up the contact window that showed his phone number, allowing me to enter it. I put his number in and saved him as “Pattycakes” before locking my phone. 

It’d been so long since I’d used one, it was taking some getting used to. 

“Well, Gerard is waiting in the car. I have to go but I will definitely see you later.” I told Patrick, kissing his cheek and heading out the door. 

Gerard was smirking as I got in and I could tell he saw every bit of it. 

“You two are perfect.”

We drove off and I felt my phone vibrate, a text coming through. 

_From: Pattycakes:_

_I just lost my job._

 

_From: You:_

_What y_

_Pattycakes:_

_Well, my boss.. the angry lady that hit me earlier. She saw you kiss me and I had my phone out and I got fired._

 

_You: dang that really sucks im sorry_

_Pattycakes:_

_It’ll be alright. See you tomorrow. Meet @ Borders?_

_You:_

_Of course. See you. 5 pm._


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> grey is my comfort color leave me alone

Five pm came a lot quicker than I expected it to. I had no idea what to wear. No idea what cologne to wear, what words to use. I was extremely nervous for this date. Or could I even call it that? Was it too soon after splitting with my husband for me to dating? Was I even date worthy? Who knows. 

I picked up the nearest pair of pants that didn’t reek of desperation and struggled into them before going to Gerard’s closet to find a tee shirt. I didn’t manage to find one that wasn’t ridiculously emo, so I went to my own wardrobe. 

I didn’t like wearing my own clothes, if I was honest with myself. 

It still felt wrong picking out my own clothes. Having that freedom. Sometimes I would have such a bad panic attack I’d have to have Gerard pick out my clothes for me. And I hated myself for being that fragile. I hated myself for still succumbing to the abuse. For expecting it to still happen. The other night at dinner, Gerard reached for a high five and I cried for twenty minutes because I was afraid I’d be hit. 

And I knew Gerard wouldn’t abuse me. Never in a million years. But I was afraid. What if Patrick turned out to be like Mikey? Mikes was my knight in shining armor when we first met and he turned out to be the witch. So of course, I was skeptical. Rightfully so? Maybe, maybe not. 

It took an hour to find a shirt that didn’t make me cry to even pick it up. No matter how many times I’d washed my clothes, they still smelled like him, like his house. Like our house. For the first week after I moved back in with Gerard, I couldn't even look at Hemmingway long enough to feed him, much less play with him. I’d never gotten my hair cut and I had just recently started showering again. 

The shirt I picked was a soft grey v- neck. It had no pattern and for some reason was very comforting to me. I found solace in the in between that grey is. Not quite light, not quite dark. Honestly, just like me. It’s between good and evil and the balance in everything. I lost myself in the softness of the fabric and at some point, I dozed off. 

“WAKE UP WHY ARE YOU ASLEEP PETEE” Gerard yelled, banging on my headboard. 

“What is your problem dude?” I asked, rising from my slumber. 

“My problem is that it’s 4:45. You’re supposed to meet that cutie at 5. The store is ten minutes away and you only have pants on.”

I jumped out of bed, pulling my shirt on as I went and cursing up a storm.

I got dressed and ran to the bathroom, grabbing Gerard’s blue leather jacket from the hook and pulling it on. I brushed my teeth the fastest I ever had and I realized something shattering as I was brushing my hair. 

“Gerrraaaarrddddd.” I whined. “I don’t have a car!” 

“Use mine. GO GET YOUR MAN!” 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i put a lot of myself into my works. the chinese food is my favorite dish.
> 
> My goal is to post at least three chapters a week.

I pulled into the parking lot of Borders at five o five pm. 

This was the first time in my life I had ever regretted being late for something. My motto was ‘be late to everything, unless there’s mad fresh pizza.’ But for Patrick it was different. He was perfect. More perfect than pizza. I couldn’t even think straight around him and I’d only seen him twice. 

Even though I feared he wouldn’t be, Patrick was sitting on the bench right outside the front door waiting for me. I reached out a hand and pulled him up, kissing it gently. 

“Good to see you again. I’m sorry I’m late.”

“It’s alright, I don’t blame you. You live a good ways away. Plus you look really nice so I don’t mind waiting.”

“Well thank you. I honestly fell asleep though.”

“At least you’re honest.” Patrick chuckled, gesturing to the car. “Shall we?”

“We shall.”

I walked him to the car and opened the door, letting him in and closing it behind him. I was making it my objective to not freak out and show Patrick a good date. I got into the driver’s side and cranked the car. 

“So how old are you?” Patrick asked as we pulled out. 

“I’m 23. Where did we say we are going?”

“I don’t remember. I’m 18.”

“I don’t think we ever set anywhere up. It’s okay, I know this amazing place. But we have to stop and get food first. What do you want?”

“Is Chinese okay?”

“Of course.”

The nearest Chinese restaurant was about thirty minutes away. Patrick and I both ordered the same box. General tso’s chicken, noodles and veggies. We waited and made small talk in the dining room while waiting for our food to be ready. I learned his favorite color, that he liked to play drums. He also sang occasionally. He hadn’t gone to college. He lived in Wilmette. 

“Your food is ready sirs. Enjoy.” Called the lady behind the counter.

“Thank you, we will.” 

I grabbed mine and Patrick’s to go boxes and then rushed to the door to hold it open for him. 

“You’re in for a really good surprise. I’ve never shown anyone this spot.” 

I made Patrick cover his eyes as I led him to the roof of my parents house. I was a spot I’d come to think many a night. My parents never cared that I went to sit up on the roof even though I’d moved out. They never bothered me, and we would usually eat something when I came down. I figured it was time to show someone where I came to think and ponder the meaning of everything. 

“I hope you’re not afraid of heights. You can look now.”

Patrick uncovered his eyes and beamed. “It’s so beautiful up here. How’d you find this place?”

“Well, it’s my parent’s place. I come here to think.” I told him, opening a tote and pulling a large blanket out of it. “How does a rooftop picnic sound?”

“Sounds wonderful. Let’s dig in.”

“Gladly.”

I opened the bag that had the food in it and distributed it between the two of us and we happily munched while we talked music. Patrick had came to a few Arma shows, but didn’t recognize me off stage. He was a fan of the band, but wasn’t really into the hardcore scene. He had a sound, he said. Soul, but not soul. More angry. Soul punk, if you will. I learned even more about him and when we finished eating, I suggested that we cuddle and watched the sunset. He laid down next to me, snuggled against my chest. He took his fedora off and placed it on his chest, smiling. 

“This is nice.”

“It is. I’m really enjoying it.”

“Me too.” He looked up at me, his eyes full of something I couldn’t quite place. He laid back down, shaking his head slightly. 

I smiled at him and his warmth against my chest and he snuggled in closer before pulling away and looking up again.

“Pete?” He asked.

“Yes Pat?”

“Can…Can I kiss you?”

“You can.” 

We leaned in and our lips met as fireworks flew in my mind. Every butterfly in existence was flocking in my stomach. I felt high on the kiss. I smiled into it and wrapped my hand around his back. We kissed for several seconds before breaking apart. Patrick sighed contentedly and laid back down on the blanket. 

“You’re something else, you know that right?”

“Of course I do Patrick.”


	11. Chapter 11

I couldn't come down from the high I was on. Patrick was.. Bliss. 

Kissing him made me feel like I would explode from excitement. I never wanted to get off the roof that day, and neither of us really had to be anywhere. So we planned to stay up there most of the day. Which was fine with me. 

We sat and talked about the night before, where we'd fallen asleep in each others arms. How we woke up, tangled together and blushing. 

He made me feel like a new person. He was nothing like Mikey. 

I laid back down on the blanket, stretching my arm behind him. 

"You're an amazing date."

"Thank you."

"I've really never taken anyone here." 

"I believe that." He yawned, covering his mouth. "It's too early." 

"I agree with that. But this roof is gonna kill my back. Wanna go back to my place?" I asked. 

"Promise not to seduce my pants off?" 

"Promise." I chuckled, sliding my arm from under him. When I got to my feet, I held my hand out to reach his. He gratefully took it and I helped him up as well, smiling. 

We walked to the stairs with hands joined. As we reached the door, Patrick got a phone call. He looked at the call i.d. and frowned. 

"I have to take this I'm sorry. " Patrick groaned. "Hey mom... Yeah I'm kind of busy.. Oh.. Is it serious?... I'll be right there." 

He looked at me, frowning harder. "My brother was in an accident. I've gotta go. Catch you later?" 

"Yeah of course. It's no big."

"See you later Pete." He said, kissing me quickly.


	12. Chapter 12

With Patrick gone the noise returned. My head always sounded like a noise machine, but it was always loud, and instead of helping anyone sleep, it kept me up. I crawled into my bed after walking Patrick to his car, even though I knew it wasn't gonna do anything. I popped a few ibuprofen dry for my back and laid down and let the demons take control. 

I knew the self hate and doubt would come soon. There was no way they wouldn't. I hadn't had a single bad thought being around Patrick. He was a saint. Everything I loved about people wrapped into one person. I was used to hearing the thoughts that i wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve good people. But Patrick actually wanted to be around me. That had to count for something 

Hours passed, filled with me just laying there. I knew I had to things to do, but I couldn't find the motivation to. 

I picked up the phone and hit my number one speed dial. 

"Hello, Dale Wentz speaking."

"Hey mom, I forgot to tell you I changed numbers. I just wanted to talk. 

"I love you."

"I love you mom. My boyfriend- friend, friend.. He's my friend. His brother is in the hospitalhospital. I'm gonna go see him."

"Alright Petey. I'll see you tonight?"

"Yes mama. I love you. I gotta go."

I smiled as the phone clicked. I was so thankful for my mom. 

I had one more phone call to make and then I could get ready for the day. 

After two rings, the angel on the other end answered. 

"Hey Pete." Patrick said. 

"Hey Patty. Where's your brother at? If its okay, I wanna go see him." 

"He's at Fry. We can meet up and you can go see him with me when I go. I'm in the middle of getting ready."

"Okay." I said. "I'll let you go, II'll see you soon."

"I'll see you."

"Goodbye, I love you." I said, hanging up. 

I then groaned in frustration realizing what I'd done. I'd told Patrick I loved him. The embarrassment hit me in waves. I hoped he wasn't creeped out. 


End file.
